Lessons From the Summer of 2006

Summer can be a source of extreme stress whentogether has been an entirely new relationship with
we as parents have to deal with the absence of anmy daughters... even to the point where they seem
institutional childcare resource and the fear of ato actually enjoy hanging out with their old dad!
considerable amount of time being wasted inThere's definitely a time when more qualified
non-productive activities. On the other hand, it couldresources will be more beneficial to our children, but
be a time for us to bite the bullet and assume thethere's a lot that can be accomplished within the
opportunity of instructing our children... ourselves.realm of our abilities and knowledge... if we seize the
While many of us will accept entertaining ouropportunity early enough.
kids--the trips, the movies, the outings to the mall,Lesson 2 - Give Kids A Routine with Goals
and other activities to which they naturally gravitate,As mentioned earlier, the girls were offered the
providing a daily activity regimen that will result inchoice of our own agenda or enrollment into summer
substantial growth of skills or knowledge is somethingschool. Both agreed to the former and came up with
we often leave for the schools or others with thean agenda to follow each day, an agenda which we
required "expertise."all signed and agreed to. Just short of a month of our
Our family's departure from the typical summer"summer program" the reading and piano practice are
routine this year, enrolling the kids into summerrunning a bit under promise. However, I feel
school or a summer fun program, seemed like a badextremely blessed that both girls have made such
decision a few short weeks ago. Fueled byoutstanding progress in their swimming. Once
speculative optimism that we could equal or surpasssomething they avoided, both have far surpassed my
what a program could provide for our two daughtershighest expectations and have taken quite well to
drove me to convince my wife that I could providebeing "trained" by dad!
our two daughters, ages just-made-eight andMost importantly, I see them falling into a routine,
soon-to-be-twelve, with a structuredone in which they've come to accept and, I think,
outcome-oriented summer break.even look forward to each day. Rather than the "I'm
Perhaps at the root of this "madness" was thebored" every half hour, I'm experiencing a "Dad,
personal frustration I felt in not being the one towatch this!" or "Dad, how do you...?"
instruct our daughters in areas for which I feltTo me, the routine, be it swimming, walking,
particularly qualified. Take swimming. Living in Hawaii,practicing an instrument, etc. is something a child
we had wanted both girls to become proficient atcomes to own. It's not always easy getting them to
swimming so they could safely pursue any oceanfall into a routine but the potential rewards certainly
activity in which they might become interested. Andjustify any effort you're willing to put forth!
while they don't seem to share dad's love forWhether swimming is a part of the girls' future or not
swimming, surfing, snorkeling, kayaking, or boatingis unimportant. What is important is that they've
they can barely contain themselves when therealized what practice can yield and what it means to
opportunity comes to go to the beach with friendspush beyond one's level of comfort. Laura, our
or to accept an invitation to friends' homes withyounger of the two, in less than four weeks has
pools!gone from not wanting to let go of the wall to
My conversations with so many other parentsswimming a total of 32 laps today!
seemed to confirm my own experience that kids areLesson 3 - Split The Quality Time
often more apt to learn from someone other thanMy wife and I had struggled to do things as a family
their own parents. In the case of my own daughters,as much as possible simply because it felt the right
one wanting no advice on her swimming from mething to do. Yet the reality was often four folks with
and the other wanting to go through anotherdifferent interests and priorities getting increasingly
summer of group classes which offered about fivefrustrated with an agenda that ended up making
minutes of instructional time per session due to thenone of us truly happy.
number of children in the group, this was a truism.Imagine the scene at the shopping center with four
And while I could understand this, it was something Ipeople wanting to go into four different directions...
was having a hard time accepting. After all, therethen wanting to eat at four different places, then...
were so many other parents who were directlywell, we all know the scenario.
involved in their children's training. So it was with me. IMy time with the girls each day in the pool has
could not be content sitting on the sidelines andcreated a relationship with each of them that I will
relegating to someone else what I knew I couldtreasure the rest of my life. The way in which they
offer my own children.interact with me when it's just the three of us is
Ill-founded or not, the decision for the summer ofquite different than it is when my wife and I are
2006 was that rather than enrolling the girls into anyboth present. It's a relationship I would never have
formal programs, I would provide them withrealized without the contact hours we've had during
swimming instruction each day along with theirthis summer break.
spending time reading and practicing piano. From theWhat I have to share with my daughters is so very
shaky launching of our at-home summer program todifferent than that which my wife can share with
the state of near-awe that I am experiencing today,them and the splitting of our quality time has enabled
there were some very important lessons learnedeach of us to broaden what we have to offer them
here if not yet by our daughters then, certainly, byas a couple. At the same time, the simple dynamic of
me!a one-parent activity forces you relate to your kids
Lesson 1 - Seize the Opportunity to Train Your Kidsrather than "minding" them while focusing on your
For years, I'd accepted the fact that my daughtersspouse.
were simply uninterested in anything I liked to do.We're well aware the "swimming" time can't last
And like many dads, I resigned myself to aforever. But what will continue far beyond the
"reasonable" amount of quality time with the kidssummer is the splitting of quality time we'll plan with
doing what they wanted to do while waiting for "my"our daughters. Time where it's just one parent and
personal time when I could run off and do the thingsthe girls or one parent and one girl.
I really enjoyed doing.Lesson 4 - Do it Now!
The only reason the girls agreed to a daily swimmingIn sharing what we've been doing over the summer,
program with me was because it was that orso many friends with older children have told me to
enrollment into summer school. Their reaction toget all the time you can with your kids before they
going to the pool during the lap-swimming times vs.hit the age when hanging with mom or dad is
the free-swim times made for some very unhappysomething of the past.
campers until a deal was cut that every two lapsAs I look at Kristen, our older daughter, entering the
was worth a downloaded song from i-tunes. By theseventh grade and Laura, entering the third grade
third day the incentive downloads were eliminated (Iwith an outlook that seems to have been
was already ten dollars in the hole!) and the numberaccelerated due to her association with an older
of laps completed, to my surprise, became personalsister, I cannot help but wonder just how many
goals for each of them.more summers will pass before they're too old to
Had I not gone through the unpleasantry of gettinghang with mom and dad. Many of us have the best
the girls to the pool under sometimes devious means,intentions for really spending serious time with our
I am certain it wasn't about to happen on theirkids... when the finances are better, when work lets
initiative. And while they could have acquired the skillsup, or whatever else and often that time never
through any of a number of superb instructors in ourcomes.
area, it's the relationship we're developing in theWhether they admit it or not, kids want to spend
process that's even more valuable than the swimmingtime with their parents, they want to learn from their
skills they're mastering.parents, and there's much that can be gained by all
As I look back on my own life, all of the instructionof us in increasing our presence in their lives. Summer
and professional coaching I've received over thecan be a great time to give our children the gift of
years as a kid in the YMCA and a competitivesustained quality time through a meaningful and
swimmer pale in relation to those times my dadgoal-oriented routine. Whatever it is you'd like to
spent with me at the beach. I want my daughters toshare with your children, do it now for we all know
have that.just how quickly time flies.
Sometimes, I think, in our efforts to give our childrenIndeed, these are the best of times. Be sure to be a
the best that is available, we miss out on givingpart of them and you might find you and your
what's most important to them--the opportunity tochildren have more interests in common than either
teach them ourselves. Had our bank account been aof you realized!
little more substantial, I would have easily opted for a*******
month-long vacation where all of us would have beenThe author, Richard Young, is the creator of
enjoying some exciting destination where satisfactionHawaiiBeachcombers.com, a website about Hawaii
could be had by simply whipping out the credit cardbeaches and his favorite activities toward which he
or wandering about looking for excitement.hopes his daughters will develop some interest.
What I've gained from our summer of swimming